Re: “Do the childfree hate children?” and other questions from a Redditer answered

In response to Sylvia D. Lucas’ awesome post, “Do the childfree hate children?” and other questions from a Redditer, I present my reasons for taking the “childfree” label:

 

Why build an identity around not having kids?

Sylvia’s take on this: “Take any minority group – whether gay, a particular ethnicity, a situation (fathers fighting for more equal custody rights, say) – and consider why they’re drawn to each other or why they create a voice in whatever venue they choose, and the reason will probably be similar for the childfree: essentially, support or camaraderie.”

She is spot-on about this.  For me, it is totally about the community. When so many of my friends are going down the childful (is that an okay antonym for childless?) path, I find myself feeling increasingly alone and confused. I wonder sometimes if my biological clock is broken, or if maybe it’ll start ticking when I hit 30 (I hear anecdotally that this is generally the case, we’ll see about that). Regardless, my future as I see it does not include my own children, but it is that way for most other people I know.  At 26, I’m looking down the road at graduate school next fall and eventually getting my Ph.D., hopefully one day realizing my dream of becoming senior curator at LACMA.

In short, the childfree echo chamber simply makes me feel more secure. It’s a warm blanket of reassurance I like to wrap myself in.

 

Why ‘childfree’? ‘Childless’ is neutral, used more often, doesn’t trigger my spell check, [and is] semantic douchebaggery.

Sylvia asserts that “‘Childless’ is an unfortunate situation.”  This is where I diverge slightly.

First, IMO, childless seems to infer a current disposition, apropos of nothing. To me, it sounds like a childless couple would consider trying for kids later, adoption, or in vitro. Second, I hear childfree far more than I hear childless (thanks echo chamber). Childfree just sounds more like a choice.

I wish I was a more cunning linguist, because I’d love to be able to better articulate how the two phrases differ.

 

Do you hate children? and I mean it in the same way as asking if someone hates a certain race or sex of people.

Sylvia D. Lucas says that in addition to those who don’t like kids, “…there are plenty of childfree who love kids – who even find work that will have them heavily involved in the lives of children – but who don’t want to be parents.”

That’s me!  Not only do I volunteer my time with kids, I have two “nephews” who I love very much.  First is my best friend’s son, just over 3 months old.  I have been making a deliberate effort to get down to LA to see my best friend as often as possible because it is important to me to be a part of his life.  When her half-sister was born four years ago, said best friend told me that she felt it was important to have children in her life.  I completely agree with this sentiment.  It has been so cool for me to watch this kid learn how to become a human.  Just between my last two visits, he has gotten better at just… existing.  He doesn’t cry inconsolably for no reason.  He knows where food comes from and how to push it away when he’s full.  He learned that turning on the mobile above his crib means he’s going to be left alone, and will promptly lose his shit.  It’s actually kind of amazing to see it in action.

Second is my boyfriend’s (i.e. domestic partner’s) biological nephew, 4 months old.  My boyfriend’s mom will frequently call and let me know when she will be watching him so that I can come over and spend time with the two of them.  Last time after much feeding, diaper-changing and singing of Disney songs, we threw him in the stroller and wandered around Macy’s for a bit.  How WASPy is that?  Very.  We had a great time.

Finally, I volunteer with a group called Reading Partners, a nonprofit dedicated to helping elementary school children who are struggling develop reading skills (generally my kids have been in the 3rd-5th grades and read at a kindergarten-2nd grade level).  I love working with them and it’s especially rewarding seeing real tangible progress with my students.  It’s very nice for the ego as well, because I feel like I’m doing the world a favor by putting more of the kind of children (and later adults) I like to deal with in it.

Why don’t the CFs who want more childfree places/establishments instead want more asshole-free places/establishments?

Speaking as an asshole, it’s not just that.  Here are a few reasons why I support more childfree establishments:

1. When I’m out with my friends, I dislike censoring my conversation for the sake of the table of kids next to me.  As I’ve said above, I do like kids, very much, but I also really appreciate being able to get away from them when I want to.

2. Some people have a difficult time keeping their kids’ behavior under control in restaurants: letting their kids kick the booth, fling food, throw a tantrum, what have you, for any number of reasons.  You can bet that they’re sleep-deprived.  Maybe they couldn’t hire a sitter and they just HAD to get out of the house before they tried to hang themselves from that doorway baby jumpy thing.  Maybe the child has developmental issues and just can’t help it.  Maybe they’re on a road trip and this was the only place around. You name it. Bottom line: Being a parent is HARD.  Really hard.  That doesn’t mean that those of us who don’t want to deal with it should have to.  I don’t frequent family restaurants because I’d prefer to avoid this, but having more childfree zones would be nice, too. Pro tip: Harris Ranch on I-5 has a family restaurant AND a 21-and-over only dining room!  Genius.

3. Some places are NOT meant for children.  I have seen parents try to bring their children into a bar, and get all huffy when they are asked to leave.  I know it looks like Adventureland, but no, it’s a tiki lounge.  A bar is not a safe place for a child!  It’s not appropriate or smart for a kid to be around drunk people– drunks are too unpredictable and a child could get hurt.

4. Seriously, some places are NOT meant for children, and some people are lousy parents.  I have also had experiences when I was out at dinner quite late (10pm or later) and someone was in the restaurant with their kids.  They were cranky and unruly.  Why?  Because it was LATE.  They were fucking tired!  Speaking as a non-parent but also a non-idiot, sleep is extremely important for children.  Another terrible place to bring your child?  The midnight opening of a PG-13 movie.

 

So, that about sums it up.  Thanks to Sylvia D. Lucas for her blog and for opening up the dialogue like this!